I think the cat got the dog high.
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I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35