ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
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[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.