@travisauruss

I think the closest I’ve come to playing romantic music at a girl’s window is when I forgot to turn down “Eye Of The Tiger” at the drivethru

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@Sassafrantz

Me: There’s nothing better than a quiet evening out with friends after a hectic week.
Tequila: We’re gonna fight every girl in this bar!

@TasiaBass28

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

@BlaineBruce

My dog plays this fun game where she holds her bladder until she gets inside the house

@djdarrellripley

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

@TheAlexP

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

@IamJackBoot

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

@apowerfulbird

[first day as a librarian]

customer: i can’t find the fiction section

me: i renamed it

customer: what

me: lies

@ellewasamistake

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what