“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I think the closest I’ve come to playing romantic music at a girl’s window is when I forgot to turn down “Eye Of The Tiger” at the drivethru
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Parent -1 Kid-0
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Who called them police dispatchers and not coperators?
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.