I think the closest I’ve come to playing romantic music at a girl’s window is when I forgot to turn down “Eye Of The Tiger” at the drivethru

You Might Also Like


“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies


Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it


Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter


Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.


Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch


ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*


take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there


On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.