So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
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50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.