Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

Corn Dogs: Uninserted

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

What is Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked.

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does