I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
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If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.