Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

BRO LMFAO

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

Phonetics

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”

“You busy tonight?”

Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how