I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
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Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.