Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.