I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
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I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me