I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
You Might Also Like
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.