I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
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GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Alexa turn off the planet
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
This anagram machine is out of order.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops