I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
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The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.
If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.
Like, if you agree.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
😍😂🥰😂😍
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
*my dog starts barking when suddenly 20 other neighborhood dogs start barking back at him. i just laugh & point at him*
haha, you’re getting ratioed!
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped