I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
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[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
My background check bounced.
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!