I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
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People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”
The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.