I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
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[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Is this you?
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.