I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
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*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Merica.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
tell em, edith-anne
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.