Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.

Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

A family that plays together cheats.

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

Genius idea!!

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35

him: on what?

me: more books

him: if you’re going to read them

me: …that’s not the point

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]