I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
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Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*