I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

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Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb


“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist


I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.


The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.


Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—

Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird


My dream job? That’s easy:

Be one of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone.

That’s Old School Twitter.


ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no


Does Adam Sandler know that he’s allowed to turn down movie roles?