I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

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Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.


Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.


“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect


I know someone who puts raisins in meatballs so don’t even try to talk to me about psychos


This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”


An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.


8: ow
me: what are you doing?
8: looking for my toy
me: why don’t you turn your light on?
8: i can see in the dark
me: carry on


They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.