Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
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“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
My dream job? That’s easy:
Be one of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone.
That’s Old School Twitter.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Does Adam Sandler know that he’s allowed to turn down movie roles?