I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
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Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
“The Perfect Relationship”
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.