I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
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Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
The devil.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm