I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
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me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see