Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

Me: Please throw your trash away.

Child: I’m too tired!!

Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.