I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
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21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
put ‘er there pardner!
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.