I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
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New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since