I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
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Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Truly one of the great bangers
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
That’s it.I’m out.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.