I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
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Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Perfection.
Good morning
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
#Caturday
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.