I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
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“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart