Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:

No, you hang up first.

Me to Pizza Hut

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

I asked myself if I was toxic and we said no

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of

It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four

Basketball

me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

Just read an article that said, “As the 2030s loom nearer,” and it was so rude.

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord