Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

Doctors texting each other.

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

what’s in a name?

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

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Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol

I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.