I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
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Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
True
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
The Compass