I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
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I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
the simulation is moving too fast
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
And bowling should be called pinball
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”