Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.

This is bullshit!

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*

oh you like nyc? name every rat

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.