Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.

“What did you do?”

We finally found a happy medium

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

Anyone: Loose lips sink ships

Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”

They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”

guys are so hard to buy for

like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??

It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?