I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.
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My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Mornin. * use accordingly
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.