Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”

me: “you’ll have to be more specific”

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.

Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.

i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.