I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
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All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
As a someone who sleeps nude, my opinions on pajamas are immaterial.
Glasses
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler