I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
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*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”