I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
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Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
🤣
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985