Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.

My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.

#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

The game has officially changed 😎

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: in these trying times

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: you can count on toyota

me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say

friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU

me: OH NO!

Who called it baking and not making love

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while