I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
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[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I鈥檓 going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It鈥檚 called Camera.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke鈥檚 questions and dies
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog鈥his is the only way now.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
knights of the ikea table
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
If you鈥檙e going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Saturday
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 馃ズ
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there鈥檚 a monster in her bed and I just can鈥檛 wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Should I ever go missing, please don鈥檛 let the news use my 7th grade picture.