I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
You Might Also Like
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO