Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:

yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.