Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

Grow up never but we old may grow we

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*

Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.

Word!

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.