I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
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HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.