I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
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Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
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Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014