I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
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These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Wednesday
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac