I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

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You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself


My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me


Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.


Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.


An 800 number calls me
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey


Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.


How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?


INTERVIEWER: “How would you describe yourself?”
ME: “Verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance.”