You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
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My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
An 800 number calls me
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
INTERVIEWER: “How would you describe yourself?”
ME: “Verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance.”