@C00LpenNAME

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

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@IntrepidDeviant

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

@House_Feminist

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

@MorganJ7

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

@arobertwebb

Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.

@KarenKilgariff

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

@TheAlexNevil

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

@karanbirtinna

How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?

@rolldiggity

INTERVIEWER: “How would you describe yourself?”
ME: “Verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance.”