Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind

The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.

It do be feeling this way.

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

whatcha thinkin bout

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.