Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

Me: *falls down entire staircase*

(20 full seconds of silence)

Dad: …careful.

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”

Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!

HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

Lol #dogsoftwitter

The United Steaks of America

screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo