Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.

My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms