i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
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Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Terribly Tuesday.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”
i made a craigslist ad !
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…