i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
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A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Nose
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Those are good neighbors.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
#Caturday
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.