I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
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I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
