I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
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never ask a starfish for directions
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Me trying to “trust the process”
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.