4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
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how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Everyone’s family
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters