Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order

I’m Sold!

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

Milk Cube

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

WHY would you be happy about this?

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

Seems a bit forward

*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-