Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to woo a woman

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:

Yeah sure what time

Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?