I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
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Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Don’t make me out nice you.
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
me at the job i begged god for
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long