I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
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Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.