Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.

Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?

Me: No, just spots.

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.

The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

Jimmy Fallon:

Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*

Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great

I stand by it

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse

Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.

Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.