I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
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I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.