Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

Some of y’all tomorrow …

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

Therapist accidentally sent me her cat

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?