Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)

it’s either covid or clever vampires

An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

Forever 21… pounds overweight

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?

Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN

I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.