I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
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*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Jail
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I’m putting together a team
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet