I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
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Windchimes
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
selena gomez
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.