Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵

Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?

All you can yeet.

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360