I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
You Might Also Like
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
😭😭😭
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.