I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
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LA today:
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
All. The. Damn. Time.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.