“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
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My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future