I think they could have phrased this better
You Might Also Like
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
you’re damn right i have
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.