I think they could have phrased this better
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On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.